Thank you for posting your revisions promptly, however this is still far too much of a biography and we do need a complete rewrite of this section.
What we (and other players and potential Inmates' players) need to know about is the person she is now, at the time at which she is brought onto the Barge. Sparingly using references to her history to illustrate character traits and explain how those events have shaped her current personality is fine; how she behaves and reacts is not enough. We need to know what she's like as a person - the persona she projects to others, the person she really is behind that, her motivations and drives, her fears, her hopes, etc.
We recommend looking at other recently approved applications for an idea of what we're looking for.
Please post your revisions within 72 hours, or we will reject your application.
REVISIONS
What we (and other players and potential Inmates' players) need to know about is the person she is now, at the time at which she is brought onto the Barge. Sparingly using references to her history to illustrate character traits and explain how those events have shaped her current personality is fine; how she behaves and reacts is not enough. We need to know what she's like as a person - the persona she projects to others, the person she really is behind that, her motivations and drives, her fears, her hopes, etc.
We recommend looking at other recently approved applications for an idea of what we're looking for.
Please post your revisions within 72 hours, or we will reject your application.