Character Name: Cloud Strife Character Journal:nimbuster Status: Inmate Pairing Information: Cloud is a scrappy little brat with a heart of gold, wrapped in layers of trauma, self-loathing, and defense mechanisms. He blames himself when bad things happen to others and is ashamed of his failures. What he wants most in the world is forgiveness, but from whom, he's not sure; he ultimately needs to forgive himself, but he'll never get there on his own. A lot of his guilt is wrapped up in having abandoned his found family and community, but he still tends to isolate instead of reaching out. It doesn't help that he died of geostigma, a psychic plague that enhances every intrusive thought and negative emotion, and although it's dormant here in that it's not dangerous, he still has to deal with the lingering emotional impact.
Cloud needs to overcome his self-loathing, let go of his guilt, and learn how to live in the present so he can be there for the people who rely on him. Over the course of his year and change on the Barge so far, he's made some decent progress on the third point, mostly because Zack and Aerith were actually around and he was able to get the kind of closure he'd never had before. The first two issues still need dealing with, though.
Milestones might include fully opening up to someone who doesn't already know everything about him and letting them in, getting truly vulnerable with his feelings and everything he hates about himself; letting himself rely on others instead of trying to take everything on by himself; learning to actively seek help without feeling ashamed of it; accepting who and what he is (and isn't) without feeling like he has to 'fix' all of it or compare himself to anyone else; and find real, genuine self-confidence and a sense of identity and self-worth that doesn't rely on what other people think or impossible expectations.
Another milestone could be building a close relationship with someone who knows him completely, inside and out, all his flaws and secrets and shames and dark sides, and still cares about him for who he is without reservation. He has done this with Sephiroth, but the jury's still out on whether that's really enough, considering it's not like Cloud voluntarily told him any of that stuff. He was getting there with Fred...but now Fred is gone.
He wants to do the work to graduate, but he's got too much stubborn pride and attitude to accept actually being wardened that easily...and over the course of his tenure so far, he's gotten less accepting of people acting like inmates and wardens deserve to be treated differently for that status alone. He's struggled with most of his friends being wardens and sometimes feels like they see him differently than they used to because he isn't one. It's actually progress that he pushes back against this kind of thing, because it means he's not just accepting that he is fundamentally worse in some way and deserves it. But it will impact whoever he gets paired with in the future and how easily he can build rapport with them.
A warden who tries to order him around or control him too much would only make him less likely to listen. A warden who's too hard on him would just drive him further into his self-loathing, but a warden who's too gentle or sympathetic would have a hard time getting through his walls. He'd respond best to a warden who treats him like an equal for the most part but doesn't hesitate to call him out when he needs it and can outstubborn him when they need to, and a warden who makes him feel like he belongs somewhere and is a part of something. Ideally, they'd have patience, but would also be good at keeping him busy and focused so he doesn't end up spending too much time alone with his thoughts without overdoing it. The most effective way to get through to him is to lean on his compassion, show him how his behavior is affecting others, which will motivate him to try to fix it for their sakes...but it's a fine line to walk, motivating him without tipping him over into guilt about it.
After losing one permanent warden, he's regressed a bit in how easily he'll accept another one. He's starting to wonder whether having had multiple months with no warden at all while he's been here, and having had two wardens he considered good matches for him leave the Barge before he got much of anywhere, might be a reflection of how likely he is to actually graduate anytime soon. He mostly knows it's irrational, but that doesn't take away the feeling.
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Character Journal:
Status: Inmate
Pairing Information: Cloud is a scrappy little brat with a heart of gold, wrapped in layers of trauma, self-loathing, and defense mechanisms. He blames himself when bad things happen to others and is ashamed of his failures. What he wants most in the world is forgiveness, but from whom, he's not sure; he ultimately needs to forgive himself, but he'll never get there on his own. A lot of his guilt is wrapped up in having abandoned his found family and community, but he still tends to isolate instead of reaching out. It doesn't help that he died of geostigma, a psychic plague that enhances every intrusive thought and negative emotion, and although it's dormant here in that it's not dangerous, he still has to deal with the lingering emotional impact.
Cloud needs to overcome his self-loathing, let go of his guilt, and learn how to live in the present so he can be there for the people who rely on him. Over the course of his year and change on the Barge so far, he's made some decent progress on the third point, mostly because Zack and Aerith were actually around and he was able to get the kind of closure he'd never had before. The first two issues still need dealing with, though.
Milestones might include fully opening up to someone who doesn't already know everything about him and letting them in, getting truly vulnerable with his feelings and everything he hates about himself; letting himself rely on others instead of trying to take everything on by himself; learning to actively seek help without feeling ashamed of it; accepting who and what he is (and isn't) without feeling like he has to 'fix' all of it or compare himself to anyone else; and find real, genuine self-confidence and a sense of identity and self-worth that doesn't rely on what other people think or impossible expectations.
Another milestone could be building a close relationship with someone who knows him completely, inside and out, all his flaws and secrets and shames and dark sides, and still cares about him for who he is without reservation. He has done this with Sephiroth, but the jury's still out on whether that's really enough, considering it's not like Cloud voluntarily told him any of that stuff. He was getting there with Fred...but now Fred is gone.
He wants to do the work to graduate, but he's got too much stubborn pride and attitude to accept actually being wardened that easily...and over the course of his tenure so far, he's gotten less accepting of people acting like inmates and wardens deserve to be treated differently for that status alone. He's struggled with most of his friends being wardens and sometimes feels like they see him differently than they used to because he isn't one. It's actually progress that he pushes back against this kind of thing, because it means he's not just accepting that he is fundamentally worse in some way and deserves it. But it will impact whoever he gets paired with in the future and how easily he can build rapport with them.
A warden who tries to order him around or control him too much would only make him less likely to listen. A warden who's too hard on him would just drive him further into his self-loathing, but a warden who's too gentle or sympathetic would have a hard time getting through his walls. He'd respond best to a warden who treats him like an equal for the most part but doesn't hesitate to call him out when he needs it and can outstubborn him when they need to, and a warden who makes him feel like he belongs somewhere and is a part of something. Ideally, they'd have patience, but would also be good at keeping him busy and focused so he doesn't end up spending too much time alone with his thoughts without overdoing it. The most effective way to get through to him is to lean on his compassion, show him how his behavior is affecting others, which will motivate him to try to fix it for their sakes...but it's a fine line to walk, motivating him without tipping him over into guilt about it.
After losing one permanent warden, he's regressed a bit in how easily he'll accept another one. He's starting to wonder whether having had multiple months with no warden at all while he's been here, and having had two wardens he considered good matches for him leave the Barge before he got much of anywhere, might be a reflection of how likely he is to actually graduate anytime soon. He mostly knows it's irrational, but that doesn't take away the feeling.